As it is the month of love we thought that we would explore the topic in more depth. How do you show up in love for others and for yourself? Most of us have heard it said that we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Another version is: “You can only show up for others as much as you show up for yourself.”
What does this really mean, and why does it matter?
The short answer is that so much of our own insecurities, stories and the thoughts and emotions that spin out of those, interfere with engaging fully with other people. Our lack of awareness leads us to project our issues onto others. The very basis of humans as social beings is fraught with a lot of unconsciousness that takes us away from being fully present and able to love.
If we are unable to be truly present with others, we do not really see them or hear them. Our approaches and responses miss them. We filter them through our stories/lenses and there is little chance of anything new being discovered or ‘created’ for either of us.
Presence
Presence and awareness open the door to unconditional love with healthy relationships.
If we cannot be present with and for ourselves, we have little hope of being so with others. The present (right now and right here where we are) is all that exists, yet we spend so much time unconsciously being slaves to thoughts that keep us stuck in our past and worried about a future that isn’t real.
We also tend to avoid the present by numbing which further reduces our awareness. If we do this we numb and suppress the ability to be ourselves and with others fully. So to move through this we have to be prepared to observe and learn about every part of ourselves.
Think about what gets in the way of being present for you. Can you really connect on a deep level with your partner if you aren’t sober? Can you really listen to someone and be there for them when your mind is full of thoughts, opinions or pre-judging?
“You cannot selectively numb emotions. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then, we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.” – Brené Brown
Awareness
Awareness is the opposite of numbing. Instead of avoiding or suppressing, or getting lost in our thoughts and fears, we observe them and examine how they show up in our body. Knowing ourselves and being more aware of our stories, worries and runaway thoughts, helps us be more present.
It helps to “practice the pause” and truly become aware of what we are feeling. Part of this is noticing that thoughts and feelings come and go. If we observe our thoughts instead of being unconsciously dictated to by them, it becomes clear that they are not “the truth” and they are not who we are. This creates space and opportunity from which to love with no judgement.
Doing the work
As we do this work of presence and awareness, we become more conscious of our shadow sides. This is not a bad thing. Being in touch with and accepting your own shadow is difficult work and never stops. It is the beginning of really knowing yourself. Just as in observing your thoughts, acknowledging things about us that we normally hide from frees us from their control and helps us pause, observe and act from love in the moment. We can’t heal or rise above what we don’t acknowledge.
Leaning into this side of us allows us to see what’s in the dark under the bed – it is usually then less scary or unique to ourselves than we have imagined.
Therefore most of us need some kind of help to do this work, be it counselling, therapy, yoga, learning meditation etc, as it is difficult to face up to all that we are and still love ourselves unconditionally. It is also difficult to by ourselves break years of conditioning and patterns.
Daily practice
Make some time for yourself, whether it is by meditating, praying, writing in your journal or talking a walk - however that shows up for you. Making the time for yourself is the key to be able to have enough fuel in your tank to give to others. This isn’t easy in our modern lives, yet even ten minutes a day can make a huge difference.
“You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes everyday - unless you're too busy; then you should sit for an hour.” - Dr. Sukhraj Dhillon
As Eckart Tolle tells us, relationships are not there to make us happy but they are wonderful opportunities to make us conscious. The relationship allows the work to continue if you allow the connection – there will be difficult times as we trigger each other, but that provides a great opportunity to practice presence and awareness, and to learn.
So yes, of course we can love and have relationships if we don’t love ourselves, but the love becomes more full, open and not conditional on anything being different – if we have done the work and we are able to love ourselves.
By Larissa Mulder-Barnett and Hilton Barnett
